A shadowy smile playing over her lips, a smile whose sense of completeness is indescribable. It reminds me of a small, sunny spot, the special patch you find only in some remote, secluded place. - Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami 
  • It seems absurd to me that people get excited about the idea of visiting a place where they used to live. Like flat out, down right absurd. Because, you see, just the very idea of a place that I used to live in existing without me, in the present, gives me the nerves. Not in a selfish way though. I guess I just hold the memories so fucking dear to me that any chance of their distortion make me nervous with fear. I can never understand how people do it - how they go back to old places and smile or get teary-eyed with nostalgia and talk about what and how much has changed. But I?…boy, if I were to visit even my high school (which by the way I hated so much I counted the weeks left for me to graduate) I swear I would lose my shit. No kidding. I don’t know why. Places just mean too much to me. An old street, a house I used to live in, the town I moved to after college, an apartment I called ‘home’, a tree I looked at on every single bus ride to school, a restaurant I used to go to. I can’t imagine what it would be like. To have it look all different would mean that my memory of it will forever be altered. But even to have it look the same would be far from a relief. Everything exactly like it used to be, except me, who was rooted out of that place. As if I was the only piece that didn’t fit. I know, I know. It’s just a place. I am attaching too much meaning to it. But I can’t help it. Nostalgia is not something I smile and get teary-eyed about. Nostalgia breaks my heart in a way that the ache never goes. Nostalgia makes it impossible for me to breathe. Nostalgia gives me some serious anxiety. Yes, people usually get anxiety about the future, the unknown. I get the reverse kind. The kind about the past. I remember this one time when I was in high school and my parents were visiting the town that we lived in for a few years when I was in kindergarten and I made up a fake english test that I had to read “1984” for. I stayed back and even read the book because I had this guilty habit of trying to turn a lie into a truth. Thinking back, I guess I barely have five or six memories of the time I lived in that town. I guess, all the more reason to be worried about losing them. Could it be that the reason I love the past so much is that I think that life will never be better? Do I somehow view the past as a series of vintage polaroids whose appreciation and worth grow with time? Perhaps. But the real reason why I would never revisit the last house that my brother and I were friends in or the garden I played in with my dogs whose faces I am starting to forget or the park where my mother took me for a walk in a stroller or the city that I thought was the capital of the world is because going back would mean taking away the part of me that still lives there in my memory. It would mean erasing the old with the new. You see, I think that all those hundreds of younger versions still live there in all those places and go about doing the things that I remember and even the ones I have forgotten. And I love all those past, younger versions of me in ways I can never love my present self. Somehow, they are so much more innocent, and fragile and vulnerable. It’s funny but I mourn the loss of my old selves. All of them. Like loved ones I should have spent more time with. So, while I can’t have them back I just try to protect them by keeping them how and where they are in me. Hopeless cause, Ill admit. But it keeps me from choking in my sadness.  

  • There are very few things in the mind which eat up as much energy as worry. It is one of the most difficult things not to worry about anything. Worry is experienced when things go wrong, but in relation to past happenings it is idle merely to wish that they might have been otherwise. The frozen past is what it is, and no amount of worrying is going to make it other than what it has been. But the limited ego-mind identifies itself with its past, gets entangled with it and keeps alive the pangs of frustrated desires. Thus worry continues to grow into the mental life of man until the ego-mind is burdened by the past. Worry is also experienced in relation to the future when this future is expected to be disagreeable in some way. In this case it seeks to justify itself as a necessary part of the attempt to prepare for coping with the anticipated situations. But, things can never be helped merely by worrying. Besides, many of the things which are anticipated never turn up, or if they do occur, they turn out to be much more acceptable than they were expected to be. Worry is the product of feverish imagination working under the stimulus of desires. It is a living through of sufferings which are mostly our own creation. Worry has never done anyone any good, and it is very much worse than mere dissipation of psychic energy, for it substantially curtails the joy and fullness of life. - Meher Baba 
    Apparently someone loves John Green, guess who? ;) 
    Everything is futile. One has to understand this. If you don’t understand it, you will always remain in illusion. Everything is futile and in life there is no progress, no improvement, because life is eternally there. Life is already perfect.
    All that you try to do to make it more perfect is futile, but it takes time to realise it. Now you are feeling stuck. You can do two things. You can change your style of life and then for a few days again you will be on a honeymoon - hopes and desires and ambitions… and the possibility of tomorrow again becomes alive. But after a few days that tomorrow never comes. Again you are stuck and the whole thing again becomes routine.
    It is just like when you love a woman. The honeymoon over, the love is over. By the end of the honeymoon you are again seeking and searching for another woman. But you can go on in this way from one honeymoon to another but it is not going to help in any way. You have to realise that there is nothing to achieve in life. Life is not goal-oriented. Life is eternally herenow. It is already perfect. It cannot be improved upon.
    Once you realise this, then there is no future, no hope, no desire, and no ambition. You live this moment; you enjoy and delight in it.
    The feeling of stuckness is coming because you still have ambition left in the mind. That ambition is creating the frustration that nothing is improving - but there is nothing to be improved! The trees are happy because they don’t try to improve. They don’t listen to any foolish sermons of Vincent Peale or others. They don’t bother at all about the future.
    Look at life. Everything is so delighted, right this moment. So be delighted. This time, don’t change and don’t create another illusion. If you are feeling stuck, feel stuck. But tell the mind, ‘Now I am not going to create another dream for you so that you are riding on the wind again for a few days. No more !’
    Live with this stuckness and try to understand why you feel it. You are feeling it because you are always keeping a goal ahead. You have to reach somewhere, you have to go somewhere. Where? Life is here - where are you going? There is nowhere to go.
    Once you understand that, the stuckness will melt away. It is created by you, by your idea that one should be always growing, always growing. Where will you reach by always growing? Now you are mature enough to understand that life has no meaning in the future. The meaning is intrinsic, herenow, in the present.
    So enjoy your food, enjoy the woman you love, enjoy your work, enjoy your sleep, and forget all about the future. Then the stuckness will melt by itself. Nothing is to be done. It is not a problem. The problem is deeper than your stuckness. The problem is that you are still hankering; the mind is greedy.
    One day everybody has to come to that point and to realise, ‘What nonsense am I doing with my life? - wasting it in improving it while it is already perfect.’
    That’s what I mean when I say that you are gods - nothing is to be done.
    Delight in the fact of your being. Enjoy the way you are and enjoy the world that’s available to you. Then each moment becomes a diamond in itself. Life is no more a means. Each moment is an end unto itself. That’s what Jesus means when he says ‘Think not of the morrow’.
    For one month, live in the moment, and even if you feel that stuckness, let it remain there. Nothing is to be done. Tell it, ‘Okay, I accept you, but I am not going to do anything. I am going to live moment to moment.’ And enjoy yourself. For one month, without any goal, without the achieving mind constantly boiling within, without any desire, simply live. - Osho (via reverberrations)
    The bored haughty face that she turned to the world concealed something - most affectations conceal something eventually, even though they don’t in the beginning. - The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
    Forms leaned together in the taxis as they waited, and voices sang, and there was laughter from unheard jokes, and lighted cigarettes outlined unintelligible gestures inside. Imagining that I, too, was hurrying toward gayety and sharing their intimate excitement, I wished them well. - The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald 
    As it has been said:
    Love and a cough
    cannot be concealed.
    Even a small cough.
    Even a small love. - Anne Sexton

Make it Happen!


yes. this.

Well, it was about time.
    For a moment I thought I loved her. But I am slow thinking and full of interior rules that act as brakes on my desires. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby 

    And I just can’t keep living this way
    So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage

    I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
    I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground

    I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
    Tryin’ put my life back together right now

    - Eminem, Not Afraid
    It’s difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No one really feels self-confident deep down because it’s an artificial idea. Really, people aren’t that worried about what you’re doing or what you’re saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you. - Russell Brand

    Then take me disappearin’ through the smoke rings of my mind,
    Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
    The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
    Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.

    Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
    Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
    With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
    Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

    - Bob Dylan